I Loved Her First

Posted on January 18, 2012

Thank you, Southwest Airlines’ stewardess. Thank you for asking me if everything was okay tonight on my flight to San Francisco. I realize that it was probably not usual for a 38-year-old man who was trained to kill in the army to spend 4 hours on your flight desperately fighting back tears that were streaming down his face. I realize that grown men, socially, are expected to maintain their manly persona. I am sorry. I loved her first.

You see, Southwest, it has been a little while that I have been away from the little angel that I was blessed with almost 8 months ago… away for a significant amount of time (more than a few days). You see, she says “DaDa” now even though I know it is probably not in reference to me and just easy to say. She looks at me with meaning and purpose in her eyes and for the first time I think I realized, more than anything in my life, I can honestly look back into those bright, beautiful, blue eyes and feel so amazingly proud.

Let me first say that I am the last person to be giving advice. I have had my own challenges and fought my own demons. But there is one thing that I know to be true. If you are a father, you are a father first. It is one of the realizations I had when I waited, for what seemed forever, for my little girl to cry when she was born. When Molly was born, there was a complication with meconium and when she was delivered she was silent. She was silent.

At that moment it felt like a terrible movie. Everything for me felt like slow motion. My heart was beating so fast and all I could do was pray. I am not particularly a religious person, but my grandmother and grandfather had past (my grandmother recently then) and I distinctly remember whispering to them at that moment “gram and papa, tell someone up there to make my baby breathe”.

Let me also be clear, I am not giving advice. I am sharing experience. Dads, there is nothing that trumps your baby… especially before a year old. The nurse in the delivery room had to tell me to come and see my baby once she cried for the first time after what seemed like forever because I was so panicked. I was sobbing. I walked over to where they took her to get her to breathe… and then she looked at me. She cried after agonizing seconds of silence. I think she might have smiled. I remember standing over her and one of my tears falling and hitting her little cheek. I knew then that there was not another girl in this world that I could ever love as much.

I boarded the plane tonight to San Francisco for the rest of the week. It will be the longest time I have been away from Molly since she was born. I was over the initial tears I had leaving the house and promptly handed my boarding pass over to the friendly gate attendant at Midway in Chicago. I buckled in for my 4 hour and 40 minute flight to San Francisco and dreaded the thought of the drive to Mountain View once I landed. Maybe I could catch up on email during the flight. I thought I could be productive and try to manage my dreadfully unmanageable inbox. Damn! No Wi-Fi on the flight. Southwest why do you have Wi-Fi on 1 hour flights I take and not the longer ones I take? Ugh.

I took my aisle seat, plugged my headphones in to my Focus S and started the music. LMFAO. Good upbeat song to be productive to. Next song was “I Loved Her First”. Shit. I don’t even like country music. I sat for like 20 minutes and listened over and over again. Then I started my tablet and started viewing all my SmugMug photos of Molly I saved down. Shit again. Here come the tears.

Dads, you loved her/him first. You can argue with Mom on this one but if you were like me, I peered into Molly’s blue eyes first right after she took her first breathe and understood for the first time in my life what unconditional love is. She/he might love Mommy first, but I can tell you that I inequitably loved her first. Whether it is work, friends, hobbies, vices, etc. remember always that you loved her/him first. And if you are sitting here contemplating if that is true, then go pick up your little girl/boy and look into their eyes. Say their name, even if they are too young to know you are talking to them. Hold them tight and say “I love you. I love you more than you will ever know. There is nothing in this world that is more important than spending every moment I can with you.” She/he will understand. You better keep your word.

Southwest Airlines stewardess, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to ask me if I was okay. Thank you for taking the time to kneel next to me and view the pictures of my Molly on my phone. Thank you for listening to the crazy story of how I am I already planning her 1^st birthday party and wanting desperately a Mickey Mouse cake. Thank you for listening to my boring stories of how amazing she is. Thank you for understanding how much I miss my little girl. After all, I loved her first.